Let’s start talking, and see what happens…
“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.”
— Pablo Picasso. .
Blog One.
Wednesday 16th October (15 days till Samhain *Halloween*)
Hello my names Micha, as the website would suggest…. and I am a mess to be fair. I am currently sitting in my bedroom in my two up two down terrace house in the West End of Leicester listening to the rain pour on my sash windows. I have just put dinner on and sent my fiancé James to ‘Look at the Cat Litter please’. I hear him going to the bin now, good I’ve been doing it for days… Anyway, subtle shade aside he’s a good man. He makes me laugh every day and has what I perceive to be the near godlike ability to bring me out of one of my… shall we say darker moods. He’s the only one who has this ability….
I had a decent day today, I think. Better than others anyway. My anxiety has been really bad recently, (I was going to type ‘of late’ but decided against it because… I never say that… or should I start saying it? Maybe I will…) My anxiety has been really bad of late…. Yeah we are going with that. I’m not sure what is triggering me at the moment. But it is pretty daily and pretty crippling. I experience near breakdowns every time I leave the house. Or my prison, as I have started to affectionately call it. I refer to it as a prison, and yet I fear to leave its boundaries. It’s an odd thing, anxiety.
It’s as though you knowingly and quite willingly create fears and negative feelings around certain events; so whenever that event happens, no matter how frequently or infrequently will inevitably result in an anxiety attack. Mild to moderate to severe depending upon the severity of the feelings your anxiety has allocated for said event.
Leaving the house for instance… pain in chest? Check. Shortness of breath? Check. Need for inhaler? Check. Double checking, triple checking and quadruple checking the safety points in my house? Check, double check, triple check, quadruple check. Need to brush hair? Check. Need to immediately don headphones to block out world? Check. Sunglasses for added armour? Check. Lipstick? Check. Backpack on one shoulder not two? Check.
Ok so, I could go on with the mental list I feel compelled to do each time I venture outside of my home. Its exhausting and something I have created and forced upon myself. No matter how many times I say I am going to leave the house today and it is going to be smooth and I am going to be ‘normal’ and just leave! Just leave and not freak out, just leave and not waste 15 minutes of my day on nothing but mental anguish. And each time I try to plan ahead… where are my keys? Got them. Make up bag? Found it. Sunglasses? In my bag. Purse? In the fridge… wait what? Fridge? Just joking… seeing if you were still listening. Oh, you aren’t? Well, that’s fine. I’m going to carry on anyway….
I know I am not alone in experiencing this, but I still feel isolated because of it. It is made harder by the fact I work from home. A studio to work in is a long way off yet, so I have to make do with our spare bedroom. It’s cramped, lacks storage and has minimum natural light, so yeah, the perfect place to paint and create master pieces (laughs maniacally). It has been a strange transition, going from working in a close knit team to working solo. I’ve been in sales since the tender age of 16, working as a team and enjoying the camaraderie you get from those that celebrate with your success or commiserate if it doesn’t go to plan.
I’m all alone now, no one to help guide me, no one to bounce ideas off of or receive feedback from. I’m officially an adult. If I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done. If I don’t overcome my crippling anxiety that holds me back from any form of self-promotion, which as an artist or even a sole trader, is kind of essential for survival. I need to work through my shit basically and get it the fuck together. Hence why I am here… typing at my laptop and getting down the first things that spring to mind. No pressure to make it sound interesting or intriguing. Not writing to hook the reader in or keep them guessing that something mysterious is going to happen. It’s for me, to help myself get through this unholy funk I am in. I paint to express myself and having just completed my first Abstract Collection ‘Let’s Play’ I am proud. Proud of what I have accomplished so far, but scared. Very, very scared. What if I am not good enough? What if I lose my creativity? What is no one cares? Am I a fraud? A fake? A wannabe’? The answer to those tantalising questions is ‘All of the above’.
Those questions have been burning in my mind since the very first day I decided to quit recruitment and follow my ‘dream’ of being an artist. They have become my mantra, a damaging, a self-deprecating limerick that is far from being humorous. My hope is that this process, should I stick to it (PLEASE STICK TO IT!) will help me to find the confidence that is buried deep within or in the very least help to get my head clearer…
Anyway, I have some painting to do, so I am signing off for now. Thank you for joining me in my first Blog entry, hope I haven’t depressed you too much… but in case I have… here is an appropriate joke:
My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.
Tina Fey
(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
So true, thanks Tina!
Speak soon blog xxx
Micha Staples 